Back in New York, I felt confident. By foot, bus or subway, I’d navigate the five boroughs with ease. Sometimes I planned where to go, other times I’d just get off the train and go hang out somewhere—often by myself. Here, I go to work, sometimes out to eat or for drinks with coworkers, and then it’s straight back home. This morning, I went to church.
I often beat myself up for not exploring more of the city or learning more French. About once a day I say to myself, ‘Where am I and what am I doing here?’ And then, your words echo in my head. Many of you have called me brave and told me you admire me. I’ve heard, “I could never do what you’re doing,” from several friends and family members. Your words are encouraging and remind me that what I’m doing is sort of a big deal.
One month down and nine more to go. I DON’T want to approach my time here like this. I want to live in the moment and enjoy myself, but I’m a long way from home. I’m missing Netflix and Chinese food, happy hours with American bar food, a subway system that can take or connect me to any place I want to go, laughs with friends over BBQ’s Texas size drinks, flights and port authority buses to visit family outside of New York and the city. I’m missing my comfort zone.
But I will focus on what’s important—God’s will for my time here. I’m excited for the things I will do and learn. I’m depending on His strength when mine has dissipated (which seems to be on a daily basis). I will thank Him for both my successes and my failures. I will stop being so hard on myself.
The true purpose of this post is to let you know that I’m not unlike you. I’m no braver. I’m not stronger. I’ve had many moments of weakness while here and I’m sure I’ll have many more. But I will work hard to accomplish what I set out to do and I will grow in the process. In your current circumstance or situation, you can do the same.
*The connection here hates when I try to post to my website. It especially hates when I try to upload pictures. Follow me on Instagram @jesswritenyc #Africanamericaninafrica for pics.
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